Star Trek TNG Meets Microsoft
Star Trek TNG Meets Microsoft
Picard: Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your
attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And
Mr. Data, have you been able to access their
command pathways?
Geordi: Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by
searching through our archives on late Twentieth-
century computing technology.
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the
computer screen.
Riker: [puzzled] What the hell is Microsoft?
Data: [turns to explain] Allow me to explain. We will
send this program, for some reason called Windows,
through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their
root command unit, it will begin consuming system
resources at an unstoppable rate.
Picard: But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they
alter their processing systems to increase their
storage capacity?
Data: Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects this, it
creates a new version of itself known as an upgrade.
The use of resources increases exponentially with
each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt
quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing
ability will be taken over and none will be available
for their normal operational functions.
Picard: Excellent work. This is even better than that unsolvable
geometric shape idea.
. . . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
Data: Captain, we have successfully installed the Windows
in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately
consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we
have not received any confirmation of the expected
upgrade.
Geordi: Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage
and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of
an upgrade to compensate for their increase.
Picard: Data, scan the history banks again and determine if
there is something we have missed.
Data: Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in
the upgrade. Apparently the Borg have circumvented
that part of the plan by not sending in their
registration cards.
Riker: Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to
begin emergency escape sequence 3F!
Geordi: [excited] Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has
suddenly dropped to 0% !
Picard: Data, what do your scanners show?
Data: [studying displays] Apparently the Borg have found
the internal Windows module named Solitaire, and it
has used up all available CPU capacity.
Picard: Lets wait and see how long this Solitaire can reduce
their functionality.
. . . . Two Hours Pass . . .
Riker: Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?
Geordi: As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer
to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands,
but each time they successfully increase resources
I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon
to transmit more Windows modules from something
called the Microsoft Fun-Pack.
Picard: How much time will that buy us?
Data: Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an
interest time span of 6 more hours.
Geordi: Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.
Picard: Identify.
Data: It appears to have markings very similar to the
Microsoft logo...
[over the speakers] This is admiral Bill Gates of the
Microsoft flagship MONOPOLY. We have positive
confirmation of unregistered software in this
sector. Surrender all assets and we can avoid
any trouble. You have 10 seconds to comply.
Data: The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches
and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects.
Picard: Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!
Riker: My God, captain! Those are human beings floating
straight toward the Borg ship - with no life
support suits! How can they survive the tortures
of deep space?!
Data: I dont believe that those are humans, sir. If you
will look closer I believe you will see that they
are carrying something recognized by twenty-first
century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and
wearing Armani suits.
Riker and Picard, together [horrified] Lawyers!!
Geordi: It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and
sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the
Great Awakening.
Data: True, but apparently some must have survived.
Riker: They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering
it with all types of papers.
Data: I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as
red tape. It often proves fatal.
Riker: They're tearing the Borg to pieces!
Picard: Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch.
Even the Borg doesn't deserve such a gruesome death!
