When Santa answers mail...
When Santa answers mail...
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur
for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to
being a career lawn care specialist.
How 'bout I send you a f_cking book so
You can learn to read and write? I'm
giving your older brother the space
ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and
the only thing I ask for is peace and
joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
You're parents smoked pot when they had
you, didn't they?
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now
asking for a fire truck. Please, I
really really want a fire truck this year!
Love,
Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you
sleep, I'm gonna torch your house.
You'll have more fire trucks than you'll
know what to do with.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for
Christmas, I'd like for my mommy
and daddy to get back together. Please
see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's
still having with the babysitter?
He's banging her like a screen door in a
hurricane, son! Let me get you
some nice Legos instead.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All
my friends have more Pokemon cards
than me. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Michelle
Dear Michelle,
It blows my f_cking mind. Kids are
forcing their parents to buy hundreds of
dollars worth of these stupid cards, and
none of you snot-nosed brats are even
learning to play the game. Let me get
you something more your speed, like
"Chutes and Ladders."
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train,
some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a
pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the
tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer
outside the backdoor.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make
the deer fart in my face. You want to be
a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas
Regal and some Toblerone.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days
of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a
condo in Vegas, where I spend most my
time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses,
and losing all my cash at the craps table.
Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa
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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do
you really know when we're awake, like
in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in
whatever you do, I'm skipping your
house...
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year.
Please please please PLEASE PLEASE
could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with
your folks, but that crap don't work up
here. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
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Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how
do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky,"
that's why you're getting your ass
whipped at school. Secondly, you don't
live in a house, that's a low-rent
apartment complex you're living in.
Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like
all the burglars do, through your
bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!
Santa
