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Mental Health Hotline

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Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline... If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If ...

Only in America 2

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ONLY IN AMERICA Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance... Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating ...

Life 2

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1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not ...

48 phrases we wish we could say at work

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1. Ahhh... I see the f_ck-up fairy has visited us again... 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for ...

Quote

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Who originally said... "My greatest wish is that none of my children become lawyers."

Quote 2

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"The Bible shows us the way to go to Heaven, but not the way the heavens go." - Galileo Galilei (16th century astronomer)

Dog Fight

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If only it were this easy... Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would ...

Final Exam - No Excuses

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A High School English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or ...

Bank of Canada

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A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, ...

TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING

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TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING BUT AREN'T  "Reach in and grab the giblets."  9. "Whew...that's one terrific spread!"  8. "I am in the mood for a little dark ...

FREE BEER

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A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender ...

70-year old George went for his annual physical

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70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing ...

20 reasons why chocolate is better than sex

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TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX: 1) You can GET chocolate. 2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate. 3) Chocolate ...

Snowing in DC

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Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Die!" written in urine ...

Skateboarding Dog

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Don't really know much about this clip. But the dog's name is Tyson. And he's very cool.

Howard and Annabel

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Howard is a 95 year old man who lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to the secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his ...

Punch Lines

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What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. ...

Little Birdie

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I woke early one morning, The earth lay cool and still When suddenly a tiny bird Perched on my window sill, He sang a song so lovely So carefree and so gay, That ...

John John Found Found

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The body of JFK Jr. has been found, so let the jokes begin... What's the best thing about a Kennedy wedding? The way arriving guests like to make a big splash. They're ...

Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers

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20) Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95. 19) Fetch command not available on all platforms. 18) Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side. 17) Too ...

Colonoscopies

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A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: 1. "Take it easy Doc, you're ...

No Nursing Home for Me

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With the average cost for a Nursing Home per day reaching $188.00, there is a better way when we get old &feeble. I have ascertained that I can get a nice room at the Holiday ...

Airplanes vs. Women

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Sixteen reasons why airplanes are easier to live with than women: 1) Airplanes usually kill you quickly, a woman takes her time. 2) Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a ...

Airline Repair Logs

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After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The ...

 

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