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Computer related quotes

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There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. - Anderson, Jeremy S. If you put a billion monkeys in ...

Anger Management

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When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know...

Comparing Stories

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Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates, and are comparing stories on how they had died. "I froze to death," said the first woman. "You froze to death, how horrible!" ...

Capitalism and Cows

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TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. AN AMERICAN ...

IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS

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IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS? As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to ...

Three Breasts

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God Created Women. God created woman and she had 3 breasts. He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?" She replied, "Yes, could get rid of ...

Trouble at the airport

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At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a ...

Airline Repair Logs

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After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The ...

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies." He responded. "Oh. Killing ...

Blonde Joke 12

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A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject and finally after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. ...

FROM JESSE JACKSON

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Public Statement by the Rev. Jesse Jackson Due to the great consternation caused by the revelation of my act of procreation, I accept my obligation to give an explanation to ...

January 4, 2000

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Best case scenario. January 4, 2000 Dear Valued Employee: Re: Vacation Pay Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). ...

It's not a bug...

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..No kudos from BugNet Since 1994 the editors of BugNet have presented an award to a soft- ware company for the year's best bug-fix performance. This year the editors ...

A Horse and a Chicken

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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The ...

Fun with numbers

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After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the ...

Sexual Statistics

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A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual ...

Donald Rumsfeld Quotes

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Congress, the press, and the bureaucracy too often focus on how much money or effort is spent, rather than whether the money or effort actually achieves the announced goal. When ...

Things you should know about cats

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There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats. As every cat owner knows, you don't really own a cat, the cats owns you. ...

Living Will

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While watching March Madness, my wife and I got into a conversation About life and death and the need for living wills. During the course of the conversation, I told her that I ...

Too Much Information

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A GUY GOES TO A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICES A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WAVE AT HIM AND SAY'S HELLO. HE'S RATHER TAKEN ABACK, BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE  ...

Golf Instructions?

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SIGN POSTED AT A GOLF CLUB IN Pendleton, Oregon    1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART    2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.    3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.  ...

Security Meeting

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At his morning security meeting G. W. Bush is advised the two Brazilian troops were killed in Iraq yesterday. GW jumps up in horror. "How will I tell the people about this.  ...

All in the perspective

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NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling ...

Puns for Intellectuals

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1. Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stops them and says "sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger." 2. NASA recently sent a ...

 

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