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Capitalism and Cows

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TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. AN AMERICAN ...

TOP 10 MARKETING SLOGANS FOR VIAGRA

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TOP 10 MARKETING SLOGANS FOR VIAGRA: 10. Viagra, The quicker dicker upper 9. Viagra, One-a-day, like iron 8. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there ...

Mental Health Hotline

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Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline... If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If ...

Dave Berry's Rules to Live By

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"19 Things That Took Me 50 Years To Learn" By Dave Barry 1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If you had to identify, in ...

Circle Flies

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A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try ...

You Know Your From Michigan

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You know you are from Michigan when: - You own only three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup - You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit - You have more ...

Who is Jack Schitt

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The Lineage Revealed: Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe ...

Twelve bugs of Christmas

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For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me See if they can do it again. For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Ask them how they did it and ...

Take five minutes and chuckle

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Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each ...

Divorce Settlement

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After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multimillion dollar home, and since ...

Surprise

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A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgement. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the ...

Virus Definitions

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THE GEORGE BUSH Virus... (Causes your computer to think it won the election, even though the motherboard and fatherboard bought it.) THE AL GORE Virus... (Causes your ...

Top Ten times in history when using the 'F' word was appropriate

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Number10: "Scattered @#$% ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC Number 9: "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagorus, 126 BC Number 8: "You want WHAT ...

48 phrases we wish we could say at work

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1. Ahhh... I see the f_ck-up fairy has visited us again... 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for ...

Camouflage Training

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During camouflage training, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. "You jackass!" the officer barked. "Don't you ...

Thanksgiving Mistake

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Mrs. Ashley telephoned the headquarters of the infantry near Great Oaks, her ancestral home. "This is Mrs. Chauncey Ashley the Third, and with Thanksgiving coming up, I thought ...

Family Planning

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Redneck birth control After having their 11th child, a Missouri couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his ...

Signs you are no longer a kid

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30 Signs You Are No Longer A Kid...... 1.) You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. 2.) Your back goes out more than you do. 3.) You quit trying to hold your ...

Brave Dog

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brave dog

Country

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THE TROUBLE WITH COUNTRY...... There was once a medical student specializing in pathology who truly wanted to excel in his studies. Without fail, he would daily visit the ...

Younger Set

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COULD IT BE? An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man with orange, green, and blue spiked hair, a pierced nose ring, and colored eye makeup. ...

Bill Approval

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President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the President. "It's the Abortion Bill, Mr. ...

The Labrador Retriever

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I pulled into a crowded mall parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to ...

Laws of Physics

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Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch, or you'll have  to pee. Law of the  Workshop: Any tool, when ...

 

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