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"19 Things That Took Me 50 Years To Learn" By Dave Barry
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in ...
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TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the
income.
AN AMERICAN ...
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You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
I need a new toy.
Tail of black dog keeps good time.
Pounce! Good dog! Good dog!
...
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Dear Mom and Dad:
It has been four months since I left for college. I have been remiss in
writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to
date now, ...
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For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.
For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and ...
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Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each ...
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What a difference 30 years makes:
1972: Long hair
2002: Longing for hair
1972: The perfect high
2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund
1972: KEG
2002: EKG
...
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GOOD:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but
wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 10-year-old boy
was standing up the road with a hand ...
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1. Ahhh... I see the f_ck-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for ...
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A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked
to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told
him that they only sold whole ...
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Redneck birth control
After having their 11th child, a Missouri couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his ...
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A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the
trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general
began to throw his weight around to try ...
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Lesson Number Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy.
"Well, why ...
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The Best Chain Letter a Woman Will Ever Get
This chain letter started in the hopes of bringing relief and happiness to tired housewives. It has, however, expanded its usefulness ...
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Top 10 Signs That You Have Job Burnout:
10. You're so tired, you now answer the phone with just: "Hell."
9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately ...
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API - Time Magazine reports an interesting case of high-tech graffiti. It
seems that a couple of Intel engineers working on the design of a recent
version of the Pentium ...
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THE TROUBLE WITH COUNTRY......
There was once a medical student specializing in pathology who truly
wanted to excel in his studies. Without fail, he would daily visit the ...
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Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was ...
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1. Your Houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the ...
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The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a ...
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After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multimillion dollar home, and since ...
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According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us
who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's probably shouldn't have
survived.
Our baby cribs were covered with ...
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A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was
named Rolex and one was ...
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