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Before it starts...

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A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled, but ...

Quick stories

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TRUE FUNNY STORIES - I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she ...

News of the Weird

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You can view all of the News of the Weird at http://www.newsoftheweird.com/ (We have removed actual News of the Weird items to avoid possible copyright infringement.)

Why did the chicken cross the road (updated)

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GEORGE W. BUSH We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or ...

Women Drivers

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I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This ...

Ever wonder what Michael Jackson was doing on 9/11

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Michael Jackson describes his September 11th experience in the March issue of Vibe...  "I was in New York (after performing at Madison Square Garden on Sept. 7 and 10), and I got ...

Damn kid

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A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her ...

Little Johnny (4)

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A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains ...

Wine vs. Water

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As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that ...

Monkey, Lizard, and a Crocodile

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A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, ...

Comparing Stories

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Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates, and are comparing stories on how they had died. "I froze to death," said the first woman. "You froze to death, how horrible!" ...

Old Age

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A little old man shuffled slowly... into an ice cream parlor. He pulled himself slowly... painfully... up onto a stool... After catching his breath... he ordered a ...

12 Rules for Life

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Sometimes we just need to remember what the 12 Rules of Life really are: 1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas. 2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct ...

Hu's on first

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( We take you now to the Oval Office... ) George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George: ...

How to Call the Police

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George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. ...

Why dogs are better than wives

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1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you. 2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. 3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it. ...

Naughty Parrots

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A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest ...

Quick Ones 6

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Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A: A cherry float. Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? A: 1 US leader Q: What did the sign on the ...

Things I MUST remember when I come back as a dog...

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1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. 2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. 3. I will not roll my toys behind ...

100 Years Ago

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It may be hard to believe how times have changed in the last 100 years. "100 Years Ago" The average life expectancy in the United States was forty-seven. Only 14 ...

One Wish

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A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of the sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a ...

Little Johnny (misc)

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A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year-old Little Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mother home?" ...

Redneck Jokes

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Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen. - ...

Cat joke

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Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What ...

 

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