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MacGregor the Fence Builder

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A Scottish old-timer in Scotland, in a bar, says to a young man, "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by ...

Thanksgiving Dinner

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Thanksgiving Dinner Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've ...

Giving up wine

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I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, ...

Haircut

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A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy ...

Cow Watch - 2002 (Update 2-26-2002)

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Fugitive Cow Finally Captured The bovine escapee who eluded Cincinnati's finest for 12 days is finally behind bars tonight. It took the SPCA, three decoy cows, and two shots ...

Ever wonder what Michael Jackson was doing on 9/11

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Michael Jackson describes his September 11th experience in the March issue of Vibe...  "I was in New York (after performing at Madison Square Garden on Sept. 7 and 10), and I got ...

The Fly

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There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began ...

Words of Wisdom 2

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1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either. 2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as ...

Engineers

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Two engineers were standing in the park. One had a new bike. The other said, "Nice bike. How much?" The first said, "It was free." The other asked, "Wow, how did you get it for ...

Final Exam - No Excuses

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A High School English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or ...

Advice For Our Armed Forces

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If the enemy is in range, so are you. Incoming fire has the right of way. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire. There is always a way. The easy way is always mined. ...

Wal-Mart Wine

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PLANT CITY, FL - Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item - Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J ...

Old Sex

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An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together ...

Barbie's letter to Santa

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Dear Santa:  Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid ...

Better with age

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Strange Therapy Sessions A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual ...

The Best Chain Letter a Woman Will Ever Get

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The Best Chain Letter a Woman Will Ever Get This chain letter started in the hopes of bringing relief and happiness to tired housewives. It has, however, expanded its usefulness ...

Rooster

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A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that could service all of his many hens ...

The Gift

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DEAR Diary... For Christmas this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Since I know I need to get in shape I decided ...

Quote of the week 7

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"But we're not homophobic... we are compassionate towards anyone who wants to try and give up that kind of lifestyle." - The Rev Dr. Glenn Davies, rector of St Luke's, Sydney, ...

Feminine Mystique

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WOMEN: Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women ...

Things to Ponder, part 1

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THINGS TO PONDER 1. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? 2. Why do you press harder on a remote control when you ...

Avoid Bran Muffins

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This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in an accident. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health ...

Marriage 2

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Marriage has driven more than one man to sex. Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge. Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be ...

Forest Gump goes to Heaven

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Heavenly Entrance Exam The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, ...

 

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