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Capitalism and Cows

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TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. AN AMERICAN ...

Quotes

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"I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why ...

Barbie's letter to Santa

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Dear Santa:  Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid ...

New State Mottos

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New State Mottos Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong! Arizona But It's a Dry Heat Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing ...

Oxymoron List

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OXYMORON LIST (April 1998) (Oxymoron - - an epigrammatic witty, often paradoxical effect, by which contradictory terms are used in conjunction) 50. Act naturally 49. Found ...

Justice in the Middle East

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A Dutchman, an Australian, and a New Zealander are in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol ...

Good Doctoring

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A woman went to the Doctor's office, where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down ...

Farmer's donkey fell down a well (updated ending)

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One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old, and ...

Wal-Mart Wine

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PLANT CITY, FL - Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item - Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J ...

Clinton and the hooker

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Every morning Bill Clinton takes a jog in his new home town of Chappaqua. Each day he passes a hooker on a particular street corner and, as he goes by, she shouts out, ...

Rudoph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer

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Who created the character of "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer"? (Hint - it wasn't Gene Autry.)

At the Doctor's Office

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A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and ...

The route

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Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as ...

Spoiled food

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HOW TO TELL WHEN YOUR FOOD IS SPOILED ====================================== Whether you are a mom who cooks for many, a bachelor who cooks on rare occasions for himself, ...

Star Trek TNG Meets Microsoft

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Star Trek TNG Meets Microsoft Picard: Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access ...

Twelve bugs of Christmas

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For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me See if they can do it again. For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Ask them how they did it and ...

Cowboy Logic

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There is no arguing with cowboy logic. A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote ...

Jesus is watching you

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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed ...

Things to say when phoning in sick

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I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK? When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in ...

Haircut

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A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy ...

Inventions

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A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek said, "We have the Parthenon." The Italian said, "We have the Coliseum." ...

Quote (2)

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Who said "A sewer worker is like a brain surgeon. We're both specialists."

Witness

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In a trial, in a small SC town, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing ...

Peanuts

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A preacher goes to a nursing home to meet an elderly parishioner. As he is sitting there he notices this bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they talk, he can't ...

 

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