MS buys US
REDMOND, Wash. - Nov. 14, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made
by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it
will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America
for an undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft
chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for
everyone". Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office
of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members
of the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be
managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public
offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is
expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft
president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and
enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft,
and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting
directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of
executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a
relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and
that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence".
Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he
has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.
Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as
"silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S.
government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went
on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished.
"Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're
doing".
When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding,
Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place". Microsoft
representatives closed the conference by stating that United States
citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government
services and discounts on all Microsoft products.
***********************************************************************
About Microsoft - Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the
worldwide leader in software for personal computers and democratic
government. The company offers a wide range of products and services
for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of
making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the
full power of personal computing and free society every day.
About the United States - Founded in 1789, the United States of America is
the most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a
beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in
Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of
Microsoft Corporation.
