Men and Women - Long joke
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a
prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist
University, English 44A, SMU, Creative Writing, Prof. Miller.
In-class Assignment for Wednesday: "Today we will experiment with a new form
called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off
with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then
write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first
paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will
then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read
what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The
story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted."
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STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which
kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy
evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in
happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all
costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she
thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile
was out of the question.
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Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in
orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the
neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent
one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said
into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of
resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam
flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The
jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the
cockpit.
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He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one
last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever
had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie
read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and
bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth-when the days had
passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to
distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things
around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she
pondered wistfully.
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Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of
miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its
lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through. Congress had left Earth a
defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to
destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the
Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to
pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated
their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere
unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on
the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive
explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The
President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm
going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
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This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing
partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
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Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium
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Asshole!
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Bitch
