Malaprops
The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in
Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages. They were
collected over a period of three years by two teachers. Read carefully for
grammar, misplaced modifiers, and, of course, spelling...
*****
Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote
in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Desseret. The climate of the Sarah is
such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
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Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread,
which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up to Mount cyanide
to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the
commandos made it.
*****
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was a
actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he
was sort of busy too.
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The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't
have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
*****
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is
apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic
decline.
*****
During the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
biscuits,and threw the java. The games were messier than they show on tv
now.
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Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of
March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying,
he gasped: "Same to you, Brutus."
*****
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for
reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have
problems.
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Queen Elizabeth was the "virgin queen," As a queen she was a success. When
she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that
was the end of the fighting for a long while.
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It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood.
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Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and
started smoking.
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Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was
very dangerous to all his men.
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The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born
in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and
is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and
hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
*****
Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. They lived in Italy.
Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet but her father was having none of
that, that I'm sure. You know how Italian fathers are.
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Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes, He wrote
Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise
Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
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Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas
Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two
cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot
stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still
dead.
*****
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died
in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation.
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On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in
his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the
assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined
Booth's career.
*****
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number
of children. In between he practiced on the old spinster which he kept up in
his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous
composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half
Italian, and half English. He was very large.
*****
Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote
loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the
forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and
later died for this.
*****
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.
People stopped reproducing by hand and and started reproducing by machine.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
*****
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.
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Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was
very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really
true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches
who knew anyway? I don't get it.
*****
Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do that what she
did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to
find radios because they were already taken.
*****
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies.
Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to
have a job, I guess.
