HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle gently in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of
cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in
right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to
close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
arm, repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws tightly in left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse in from the back yard.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by the cat. Get spouse to hold
head firmly with one hand while forcing a wooden ruler into mouth. Drop
pill down rule and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtains, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
vases from table and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
mouth open with pencil and blow in drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of
water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck, leaving head showing. Force mouth
open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus
shot. Throw away T-shirt and fetch new one from the bedroom.
12. Phone fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly
to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Hold head
vertically and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash pill
down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right
eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect cat, and call the local pet shop to see
if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1. Wrap it in bacon.
