Things
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10 Things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say:
10) "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
9) Duct tape won't fix that
8) Come to think of it I'll have a Heiniken's
...
30 things Girls Think Guys Should Know
1. Don't ever lie to us; we always find out.
2. We don't enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening.
3. Don't say ...
30 Things Never to Say to a Naked Man
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix ...
83 things you do NOT want your System Administrator to say:
-
1. uh-oh....
2. Oh S***!
3. What the heck?!?
4. Go get your backup tape. (You DO
15. Sleep 'til noon. Still get to work by 8:00am!
14. Doppler shift makes red traffic lights look green.
13. Breaking laws of physics only a misdemeanor in most states.
...
1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when
I'm lying under the coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind ...
Things I've Learned as I've Matured...
I've learned that you cannot make
someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and
give in.
I've learned ...
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5000 types of snakes, and 4998 live in Florida.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 ...
Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.
Men know that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.
Men know that if she ...
Things NOT to say to the nice police officer:
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
...
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.
How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his ...
THINGS TO PONDER
1. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they
already know you don't have?
2. Why do you press harder on a remote control when you ...
1. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train
stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
2. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed ...
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who
fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in ...
THINGS YOU CAN'T SAY WITH A HALLMARK
"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder: What the f_ck was I thinking"
"Congratulations on your ...
1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair of identical twins ...
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.
As every cat owner knows, you don't really own a cat, the cats owns you.
...
OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.
OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas...
INSIDE: I ...
When the immigrants landed in America the land of opportunity, where
it was said the streets were paved with Gold they found out three
things.
1. The streets were not paved ...
TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING BUT AREN'T "Reach in and grab the giblets." 9. "Whew...that's one terrific spread!" 8. "I am in the mood for a little dark ...
Top Ten Things Men Understand about Women
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TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. ...
Top Ten Things Only Women Understand:
10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
...
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