Basic rules for driving in the Metro Detroit Area
1. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people
can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left
lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting
the orange construction barrels.
2. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real metro Detroit driver
never uses them.
3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and
the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else
putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
4. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going
with the flow."
5. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have
of getting hit.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your
ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal
pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
7. The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide
useful information. They are only there to make Michigan look
high-tech and to distract you from seeing the Michigan State Police car
parked in the median.
8. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to
scare people entering the highway.
9. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are
apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.
10. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or
move over doesn't mean that a Michigan driver, flashing his high beams
behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
11. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during
rush-hour traffic in metro Detroit.
12. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone
changing a tire.
13. Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape, keeps the
existing litter from getting lonely and gives Adopt-a-highway crews
something to clean up.
14. Everyone thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially pickup
truck drivers with stickers of Calvin peeing on a Ford, Dodge or Chevy logo.
15. Learn to swerve abruptly. Michigan is the home of high-speed slalom
driving thanks to our city councils, which put potholes in key
locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
16. It is traditional in metro Detroit to honk your horn at cars that don't
move the instant the light changes.
17. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
18. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left
before proceeding.
19. Remember that the goal of every Detroit driver is to get there first, by
whatever means necessary.
20. Real Michigan women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at
seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
21. Real Michigan men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at seventy-five
miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
22. All Michigan drivers are required to use a cellular phone while driving.
It makes it easier to call 911 when they hit someone and Michigan
State Police can respond more quickly to block off 2 or more lanes of
traffic....Especially during rush hour.
23. Heavy fog, snow, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously
listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way ensuring the economic
well being of body shops, junkyards and new vehicle sales.
24. Drive Careful Now!
