Form Letter
Here is a form letter for those who don't quite know how to say goodbye. select the appropriate section and end relationship.
To (Type in their email address):
From (Your email):
Subject:
Dear ,
I don't know quite how to tell you this, but
[ ] our romance is over.
[ ] our affair is dead.
[ ] I'm entering a convent.
[ ] I loath you.
[ ] our horoscopes clash.
[ ] you are a sickie.
[ ] you need to bathe more.
[ ] I'm a street walker.
[ ] your nostrils offend me.
[ ] there's a contract out for you.
[ ] you're a schmuck.
[ ] I'm in love with your sister.
I think I first knew it
[ ] that night
[ ] last year
[ ] skinny dipping
[ ] tripping on tangerine seeds
[ ] last Arbor day
[ ] when you shackled me
[ ] when I threw up
[ ] when I saw that shrunken head
[ ] when your dwarf bit me
[ ] reciting "Gunga Din"
[ ] swapping tennis shoes
[ ] when your sheepdog went berserk
[ ] in your pad,
[ ] in your camper
[ ] outside Poughkeepsie,
[ ] under the bus,
[ ] in your closet,
[ ] while eating enchiladas,
[ ] with Reverend Moon,
[ ] in drag,
[ ] at the Hare Krishna prom,
[ ] on the funny farm,
[ ] in a trance,
[ ] with the Mondales,
and I saw you
[ ] make a pass at
[ ] insult
[ ] ignore
[ ] punch out
[ ] pour syrup over
[ ] carve your initials on
[ ] tear the clothes off
[ ] apply leeches to
[ ] render impotent
[ ] yank the toupee off
[ ] sit on
[ ] exercise
[ ] my best friend.
[ ] my father.
[ ] E.F. Hutton.
[ ] my whoopee cushion.
[ ] my spinach souffle.
[ ] Bert and Ernie.
[ ] my avocado plant.
[ ] my penpal in Ghana.
[ ] my Franklin Mint Collection.
[ ] the Oakland front four.
[ ] my Billy Carter statue.
[ ] that crazed monk.
I'm sure you're
[ ] man
[ ] sensitive
[ ] open-minded
[ ] ashamed
[ ] stoned
[ ] gutless
[ ] scarred
[ ] Mongol
[ ] masochistic
[ ] perverted
[ ] senile
[ ] Republican
[ ] frostbitten
enough to see
[ ] how miserable I've been.
[ ] what a bore you are.
[ ] your Datsun sucks.
[ ] your acne is terminal.
[ ] I've had a sex change.
[ ] there is no Mid-East solution.
[ ] there is no Santa Claus.
[ ] I'm allergic to your hamster.
[ ] I dig sanitation men.
[ ] that I'm bionic.
[ ] that "The Gong Show" stinks.
I'm returning
[ ] your ring,
[ ] your love letters,
[ ] your Darth Vader poster,
[ ] your pet rock,
[ ] to the commune,
[ ] those slides of Altoona,
[ ] your dentures,
[ ] to sleeping around,
[ ] our matching Snoopy bibs,
[ ] your Bicentennial truss,
[ ] to Saturn,
[ ] your bag of immies,
but I'm holding on to
[ ] your photo
[ ] those oil stocks
[ ] my virginity
[ ] your neighbor Ralph
[ ] the results of the blood test
[ ] your left ear
[ ] your suicide note
[ ] your mother
[ ] my sanity
[ ] your ant colony
[ ] your police record
[ ] Murray's leotards
as a keepsake. I want you to know that I'll
[ ] always treasure
[ ] never forget
[ ] try to blot out
[ ] inform the I.R.S. about
[ ] always feel unclean about
[ ] never scoff openly at
[ ] make a movie based on
[ ] tell the "Enquirer" about
[ ] inform the asylum about
[ ] get nauseous thinking of
[ ] tell my priest about
[ ] be a lot better off without
your
[ ] friendship.
[ ] senility.
[ ] new life as a clone.
[ ] Eskimo incarnation.
[ ] mom.
[ ] cocaine habit.
[ ] passion for fieldmice.
[ ] Jackie Mason imitations.
[ ] embarrassing rash.
[ ] eggplant fetish.
[ ] screwing up World War II.
[ ] hatred of Tampa.
[ ] Fondly,
[ ] Sincerely,
[ ] Painfully,
[ ] Eat your heart out,
[ ] with disgust,
[ ] with great relief,
[ ] Up yours,
[ ] Your undying enemy,
[ ] Best to your frog Leonard,
[ ] Now bug off,
[ ] Good luck on your parole,
[ ] Regards to your creepy family,
Your signature.
mark.
stamp.
seal.
