Mental Health Hotline
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline...
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5,and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and whatyou
want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be
transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small
voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which
number you press, no one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the
pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name,
address, telephone number, date of birth, social
security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder,
s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message
after the beep or before the beep or after thebeep.
Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you
have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have
short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All
operators are too busy to talk to you.
